Are you going to lose your umbrella this week?

YOU are, but you might as well take our test to prove it.

Are you, at any point this week, planning to go to: work, the pub, the cinema, a restaurant, on public transport?

A. Yes I am.

Result: You are definitely going to forget your umbrella in one of these places.

Is your umbrella so big and brightly coloured that you can’t miss it when you get up to go outside unless you are a moron?

A. Yes it is.

Result: It doesn’t matter, you’re going to walk past it anyway.

Is your umbrella expensive enough to make you really paranoid about losing it?

A. Absolutely.

Result: Smart thinking, but you’re 100 per cent going to lose it and all the money you spaffed on it.

Have you now put your umbrella somewhere blindingly obvious – like across your own feet – so you can’t possibly fail to see it when you leave?

1. I’m actually just going to keep holding it in my hand.

Result: You could store it in your arse and it would still somehow disappear before the end of the day. Just take comfort in the fact that in a couple of months you’ll be worrying about losing your sunglasses instead.

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